Category Archives: Movie Reviews

MACHETE REVIEW

Complete crap.  Besides Michelle Rodriquez in a bra with a machine gun (can’t believe I’m writing that), I can’t really say too many positive things about this film.  The acting was less than stellar and that goes for everyone in the film including Bob Di Nero.  I know George W. Bush was a complete idiot, but does every fake president from every movie have to be a retard from Texas (I use retard in the idiot sense of the word not handicap).  It’s getting old. 

I know the movie is supposed to be set up like a 70’s B movie throwback but Robert Rodriguez failed at the execution big time.  The script lacked a lot of imagination and plot.  I get the pro-no borders campaign but dude that’s no reason to make a whole movie about it. 

Awful awful movie.  I loved Planet Terror and Sin City so don’t think I missed the point of this one.  Bad film making is bad film making.  You can’t hide it.

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HONDO REVIEW: THE LOVE GURU

I know you’re thinking why in the hell would ever go see this movie, so I’ll give you 2 reasons: 1) I’ll see anything 2) I USED to be a big Mike Myers fan (before I saw this piece of shit).

This is seriously one of the most ridiculous movies I’ve ever seen.  I know the Indian community was up in arms about its release and they should have been.  Mike Myers looks like a complete asshole.  If you went to this movie never seeing or meeting a person of Indian descent then you would assume that they make all make really stupid smiley faces and dance around all the time.  I’m not Indian and I’m slightly offended.

Honestly, this movie doesn’t really deserve any more of my time so I’ll cut to the chase here:

1/2 star.  I would say no stars, but I give it some credit because it actually made it to the big screen.  Do not see this movie….ever.

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SEXMAN REVIEWS “JUMPER”

It’s almost as good as my review. I love this kid.

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JUMPER – MOVIE REVIEW

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To steal a page right out of Pitchfork’s book here’s my review of the new movie Jumper:

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BEST MOVIE REVIEWER EVER

Thank you Todd Awesome for sending me this brilliant movie review. I haven’t seen the new Rambo yet, but from what this kid says I can already tell it’s the best film ever. 5 out of 5 stars!

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INTO THE WILD REVIEW

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I went and saw Into The Wild the other night. What an amazing story! If you don’t know about the short life of Chris McCandless then I suggest you go grab a copy of the book. Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed the movie, but I didn’t think it was a GREAT picture. The scenery is brilliantly captured and Eddie Veddar’s acoustic ramblings fit the mood of the film perfectly. Emile Hirsh gives an oustanding performance as Alexander Supertramp (McCandless’ hitchhiking alter ego), but the real star of the movie is Hal Halbrook who plays a widowed leather worker that befriends McCandless. The dialogue between Halbrook and Hirsh was worth my $10.

If you’ve ever thought about trekking off to the wilderness and leaving it all behind, then go see this movie.  It’s definitely worth a watch but not Best Picture material.

Final Grade: B-

Here’s the last known photo of Chris McCandless:

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It was found on an undeveloped camera in the bus that he called home in 1992. What an interesting guy.

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Bah Humbug!

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Fred Clause is the worst movie I’ve seen all year. Hands down. Do not go see this movie. If you’re looking to get in the Christmas spirit rent Elf or even Ernest Saves Christmas. Whatever you do avoid this movie at all costs.

Oh and will someone please give Vince Vaughn some more metaphors to throw around.  Hey ‘my man’ you’re shtick is getting old. Give it a rest.  Even Adam Sandler’s tried to branch out.

If you do waste your $9 on this hot pile of poo you will have the satisfaction of watching the beautiful AND talented Elizabeth Banks don some sort of naughty Santa’s helper outfit for a couple of scenes. Wowzers! You can’t really understand how hot it is from this picture, but it’s enough to make you think about Christmas a little differently. She’s an old crush rekindled and she doesn’t even have bangs!

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American Gangster Review – 2.5 Stars (out of 5)

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I have to admit this movie bored the living daylights out of me. I saw the 8:30 showing and by the start of the second hour (of 3) I was checking my watch every 5 minutes. I wanted to like it. I really did. I had read some positive reviews, but 2 days after seeing it I’m still not crazy about it.

I give it 2.5 stars because the story is so great. Frank Lucas (Denzel Washington) is the former driver of a Harlem drug kingpin, and when his boss dies he’s left with no choice but to takeover and continue running the business. He sees a news story about American soldiers in Vietnam getting getting high off of heroin and decides to head to Vietnam, smuggle heroin into the US, and sell it for cheap. Turns out this heroin is the purest and best you can find anywhere. Frank Lucas is now in charge of the streets.

NOTE: I started this two weeks ago and am now just getting around to finishing it. Well, I don’t really feel like finishing it, so I’m just going to give some bullet points:

– Movie is slow and way too long

– Denzel’s wife is not hot enough

– Russell Crowe seems like a wuss

– The whole thing is like one big 70’s drug montage – it’s been done 10,000 times I’m over it

– Common can’t act

That’s about it. And just cause Denzel and Russell Crowe are in a movie doesn’t mean it should get good reviews. Come on critics.

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